lost memories, found future

 

I was nervous. I didn’t know what was expecting me despite all the encouragement I was given by all the people around me. 

My palms were sweaty and no matter how many times I wiped them off on my jeans, the nerves kept coming and I kept sweating.

I tried taking some deep breaths and closed my eyes but it was impossible to stop the anxious thoughts from rising.

What if she doesn’t love you anymore?

What if she cries and runs away at the sight of you?

I shook my head to distract myself from those thoughts and instead, I once again forced my mind to go back to the memories I once had.

I imagined the faces that I have seen on the pictures hundreds of times. The smile on their faces, the embrace, the happiness in their eyes.

Despite the absence of the memories, I felt the warmth they brought to my being. My conscience self didn’t remember maybe the most important moments of my life and the loss of them would never be less painful but I was ready to desperately fight to make new ones.

My racing mind was interrupted by a loud, cheerful voice. “Daddy!”

It was still an unfamiliar title to be called but I somehow knew it was for me. I was at the end of that call and no matter how nervous I was, I was also so ready to receive it.

I slowly willed myself to turn around, afraid that a crying face would welcome me but the rapid steps eased my mind just a little.

Just as I fully turned around and saw the little girl that was running towards me with open arms, my body moved out of my control. 

As she neared me, I was already on one knee, ready to accompany the human that was on her way. My broken brain didn’t know what to do but all the muscles in my body knew exactly what to do and how to act, waiting for the feel of the little human in my embrace with open arms. 

And it finally happened. The impact of her body almost knocked me down but I held onto my ground and her with all of me. 

My arms circled her small body while her short arms were around my neck, squeezing with all her might and just like a miracle, all the tension and anxiety I have been holding onto for weeks disappeared, instead my heart raced with relief and peace. 

Holding onto her, knowing she ran up to me and was now hugging me eased my doubting self immensely. I didn’t have to remember our memories to know how much I loved her and what she meant to me.

“Daddy! I missed you so much!” and another hit to my heart in the best way possible. Her every move and every word comforted me further, dragging my mind from the dark place it has been.

She backed away, still staying in my embrace and looked at my face with the brightest and most beautiful smile I have ever seen. Her hands went up to my face as her smile faltered a tiny bit but she didn’t let me panic by talking immediately. 

“Why you crying daddy? Did you miss me so much?” 

I realized that I didn’t even notice I was crying. Her little hands wandering on my cheeks, wiping the tears made me want to cry even more. It shouldn’t have surprised me but the fact that I was a grown man, being comforted by a little human still surprised me.

I didn’t want to let her wait any longer so I answered with a smile. “Yes, I missed you so much and I am so happy to see you. I am crying because I am so happy.” 

I hugged her tighter and she melted right into me in an instant, burying her face into the crook of my neck.

“I missed you too daddy!” Her arms were squeezing me once again.

The love traveled and took over every part of my body and it was almost too much for my weak body but I knew, it would never be too much, I would always have more of me to give her.

I decided to get back on my feet with her in my arms, finally seeing the beautiful woman watching us from afar, with a small smile on her face.

I continued to hold onto the little human that was my daughter with one arm and opened the other one to invite the woman I was lucky to call my wife.

She didn’t hesitant even for a moment, proving all the demons in my mind wrong, displaying the love she had with her hurried steps towards.

Having her in my arms completed everything missing, made sense more than anything in my life. 

At that moment, I knew I didn’t have to remember the memories to love them or be loved by them.

Not only did I welcome these two woman into my arms, I also welcomed all the new memories we would make together.

Despite the emptyness of my mind, the way their love filled my heart was more than enough to last me a life time.

And I was so ready for all of them.