dark waters of mine

 

i always thought what was similar to the way i was. 

a storm, a forest, a meadow, a sea.. i always thought which one i was and never really had an answer to it. 

it made my job harder because it was hard to explain to people what was happening to you without giving them something they were familiar with so that it was easier for them to understand you.

i always felt like it was a difficult job to understand me.

and i was always sure no one wanted to tackle this difficult job since i could barely manage it myself.

but if i had to choose one of the things above to tell you how my thoughts felt like, i would choose the sea.

just like the sea, my thoughts and worries had no bounds, i could go on and on in my own head for hours.

and just like the sea, my thoughts had moods. most times, they were calm and full of beautiful wonders. just like a sunny day’s sea, they felt warm, nice and familiar. on those days, it was nice to be with my own thoughts because i could navigate through it, swim in it.

but sometimes, the sun hid away and waves took over the sea with a black sky. in those days, it was painful to be with my thoughts. 

they were so obviously trying to hurt me and i could only fight for so long before caving in. 

so on those days, i let myself go and let the waves take me to whenever they did, either i drowned for a while or i stayed afloat and waited for it to go away.

on those days, my thoughts paralyzed me so much that, all i wanted to do was hide in the safety of my room, away from anyone and anything that could take a peak inside my head and hurt me further.

even in my worst, i didnt let anything show because i couldnt risk compromising.

because deep down, i am scared. 

i am scared that the ones i love the most wont be able to navigate through my dark waters. i am afraid that they will drown while trying or even worse, they wont even attempt. 

even though i try not to show and not ask for help, i am terrified of being alone among those dark waters.

knowing how fatal they can be, i just want few hands to reach out to just in case. just in case i cant come out of those waters.

***

ps. i guess it was not a joke when i said, sad thoughts always bring me the best inspiration